We are in a watershed movement regarding sexual abuse. As horrific as sexual abuse is, mental abuse is also very damaging as victims are left in physical and mental anguish. Below are some examples of mental abuse wife endured during her relationship for many, many years:
- Despite being the sole provider for the family, wife received no acknowledgement or appreciation from husband
- Including being the sole provider, it was also expected for wife to be the sole nurturer, educator, cleaner, carpenter, landscaper, negotiator, etc.
- Including being all of the above, wife had to walk on eggshells in fear of hurting husband’s feelings
- Including all the of above, wife could not express dissatisfaction on any of the above subjects for fear of being isolated which can be months
- Including all of the above, wife received no acknowledgements on birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, etc.
- Including all of the above, wife received no compliments only negative comments
- Including all of the above, husband expected to be painted in the brightest lights and generally plays devil’s advocate in every situation involving wife
- Including all the above, husband supports any and everyone who’s in opposition with wife – generally takes the side of everyone but the wife
- Including all of the above, husband withheld intimacy
- Including all of the above, husband shut wife out emotionally / ignored her
- Including all of the above, husband spent countless hours on his phone/computer oblivious to child and wife
- Including all of the above, husband exposed child to indecent content upsetting wife but accepted no responsibility for his actions
- Including all of the above, spread lies about wife to family members who in turned isolated her
- Including all the above, husband accepted no responsibility for his behavior – in turn blamed wife
- Including all the above, husband is vindictive by destroying wife’s property
- Including all of the above, husband eventually left the family because his selfish needs weren’t met including expectations of him to be a better father, provider, partner…
Despite being treated so unfairly, wife never left the relationship or strayed. In the end, it doesn’t matter what you do or how hard you try, you can never be anything more than a slave to a mental abuser. These people are often cold, selfish and insecure. Their sole goal is to isolate and break you down. I know it’s not easy because in the end you’re left feeling incomplete or empty from the years of abuse… Everything comes to an end eventually and there is a silver lining in all this. Use the abuse and ill treatments to believe in yourself because you ARE a strong, competent, independent woman and have been the entire time. What didn’t break you, ultimately makes you stronger!!
Fathers run away, Dad stays. Fathers are sperm donors while Dads are emotionally, physically and financially invested in the development and growth of the child.
It becomes easy for men who themselves came from broken, loveless homes to perpetuate the cycle of broken homes. Some of these men don’t know or have never met their biological fathers. These men see it fit to abandon their responsibilities as dads because they don’t know what it is to be loved by one. They saw their mothers struggling to make ends meet as children growing up, yet have no problem leaving their wives or baby mamas to do just the same – a sick cycle of abandonment and neglect. These fathers want to be “friends” with their children but not dads – friends are fun with no responsibilities then the children return home to the caregiver, breadwinner, nurturer, educators and discipliners who are the mothers. Mothers become the “not-fun” parent despite being the sole source of the child’s upbringing. These fathers want the accolades of being a parent without being a “parent.” Why do fathers leave? While there are valid reasons for some, most leave because they don’t want to settle thinking the grass is greener on the other side. They leave because of family encouragement often times from their mothers who herself suffered the same faith. They leave because the wives/baby mamas have expectations of what a dad’s role should be and the responsibilities a dad should have. Men lacking the mindset to deal with a dad/parent mentality view this as being bossed or disrespected and leave the family unit. Father run because of their selfish needs and lack of empathy for anyone but themselves.
For women left to raise the fruits of their wombs alone, know that it’s easier to raise confident children than to fix selfish, broken, incompetent men.
It’s 2017, a new year to reflect and refocus. As I grow older and wiser, I’ve become patient and impatient to BS. I’m more aware but there’s a caveat with awareness as it brings wisdom along with sadness and pain. Being aware, one sees things the regular minds don’t see – it’s a blessing and a curse.
January is one of my most dreadful months and this one has not disappoint thus far. I’m already off to a fast start defending myself against an egotistical manipulator and his minion, mourning with my very dear friend the loss of her father (sadly, January is also the month I lost my dear father 32 years ago) and dealing with another dear friend moving away starting a new chapter in her journey. All things to make one want to ball up and retreat. But what don’t kill you only makes you stronger. Not being one to retreat, I faced my adversities with courage, strength and steadfastness. Change is our only constant, and for me to move forward and progress, I must be able to adapt to changes. I have to dig deep and find the strength that has gotten me through the toughest of times and grab hold of it until I can stand tall again. However, we must not allow ourselves to become victims of the same situation twice; we must use our lessons as teachers to move forward. Use the disappointments as lessons to become wiser and stronger. These tests were put there to strengthen me for the year ahead and I will use them to do just that. 2017, here I come – I am fearless, strong and ready.
Best wishes to all for a happy, healthy and progressive 2017. Find your inner strength to move yourself forward when faced with adversities. Blessings!
Until the philosophy which hold one race superior
And abandoned –
Everywhere is war –
Me say war.
That until there no longer
First class and second class citizens of any nation
Until the colour of a man’s skin
Is of no more significance than the colour of his eyes –
Me say war.
That until the basic human rights
Are equally guaranteed to all,
Without regard to race –
Dis a war.
That until that day
The dream of lasting peace,
Rule of international morality
Will remain in but a fleeting illusion to be pursued,
But never attained –
Now everywhere is war – war…
To my fellow Gen X – the realization of 40(+) and the very important question that followed, “what the F am I doing with my life???” In my situation, it’s a case of midlife crisis – I think… Either way, it’s daunting, overwhelming and downright depressing to be at the midpoint of one’s life’s cycle – assuming I live to be 80 of course. Where did the years south of 40 went??? The last 20 was a blur with school, marriage, child, etc. So what to do?? Change mates? Find a new hobby? Take up painting or pottery? Start a new career? Got back to school?
So what to do?
Well, the simplest and most meaningful thing to do is the start looking at life with a different set of lenses. Forget about what pains you and focus on what made you and will make you happy. Value the people who love you. Stop dwelling on the negatives and focus on the positives… Keep moving forward but remember lessons learned. Forgive but don’t forget. Don’t hold grudges, it ages you. Appreciate what you have and not what you don’t have. Be kind. Be gentle. Be loving. Be appreciative. Smile. If you’re of legal age and responsible, have massive amount of sex. Love yourself. Be courteous and polite. JUST TRY TO BE HAPPY. Funnily, the more you try to do these things you will encounter assholes who will mess up your flow but all the more important to push on. Life’s happiness is controlled by our attitude – a simple tweak can bring about a momentous change.
My midlife crisis self is going to be happy if it kills me. I hope you do too…